When we picture shyness, we often think of someone quiet and reserved, hesitant to speak up or put themselves out there. It might even seem like the opposite of self-centeredness. But let's dig deeper: whether we're demanding attention or hiding from it, aren't we still operating from a place of self-protection?
I used to view shyness as a virtue, equating it with humility. However, I've come to recognise it as another way the ego attempts to protect itself. When we're shy, we're preoccupied with how others perceive us, constantly monitoring ourselves to avoid saying something "wrong" or facing judgment. At its heart, this hypervigilance centres around ourselves.
Interestingly, this isn't so different from attention-seeking behaviour. Both traits focus intensely on perception—one through withdrawal, the other through expansion. They're two sides of the same coin, both serving as coping mechanisms driven by the ego's need for protection.
I can personally attest to this dynamic, as I've experienced both ends of the spectrum. Depending on the crowd and context, I might swing between shyness and attention-seeking. I've lost count of the theatre foyers where my personality seemed to vanish because I felt intimidated by those around me. These moments of shyness led to missed opportunities to connect with interesting people, all because I was too absorbed in my own concerns.
The solution, I've discovered, lies in redirecting our focus. There's an acting technique called Meisner that emphasises being completely absorbed in observing your scene partner—their behaviour, tone of voice, every subtle shift in their expression. When actors apply this technique, something remarkable happens: by focusing intensely on the other person, self-consciousness melts away, and the performance dramatically improves. Conversely, nothing falls flatter than an actor lost in their own emotional world, disconnected from both fellow performers and the audience.
This principle applies beautifully to everyday life. Instead of protecting our ego, what if we channeled our energy into being present and authentic? What if we allowed ourselves to show up—whether quietly or boldly—without attachment to others' responses?
This isn't about changing our fundamental nature. If you're naturally introverted, the goal isn't to become the life of the party. Rather, it's about recognising when our ego drives our actions and making a conscious choice to focus on connection rather than protection.
The next time you feel shyness creeping in, try asking yourself:
- Am I feeling threatened right now?
- Is this about protecting myself?
- Could I shift my focus to being curious about the person in front of me?
Remember, humans are beautifully complex creatures with sometimes puzzling behaviours. By examining our patterns with compassion and understanding, we can move beyond the limitations of both shyness and attention-seeking, into a more authentic way of being.
Stay inspired!
Maggie - The Inspired Coach
